I have had a very difficult three years. Within three years I have gone from making at decent living at $26.00 and hour, having a wonderful wife, having three children that all loved me, a wonderful church in Calvary Chapel Golden Springs, an apartment, a car.
Today I have none of those things. I have no job, my wife decided she had had enough of me, my children despise me, I am churchless, I live with friends and family, I have no car.
Now that you know what I had and what I have let me tell you what I do have.
I have Jesus. I have the Lord Jesus Christ on the throne of my heart. No matter what those around me will say or do I am blessed by me having a real Saviour on the throne of my heart. My wife and kids do not rule the roost. A job does not possess me. I have not made a god of a church building. No, no, no. My lifesong has become Jesus.
Take it all away. If anything comes between me and the love of God take it away. Let my blessing be me being His and Him being mine.
I know that as I put my eyes on Him that He will restore to me only that which I need.
My wife and now ex girlfriend say that they can no longer trust me. My wife says that I cannot be trusted for the reasons of I did not hold up my part of the marriage contract because as I battled depression I battled her. I became verbally abusive to all those around me to push God away. I pushed God away because as things were stripped out of my life I blamed Him. I blamed Him for my unwise and foolish decisions.
My ex girlfriend does not trust me because she saw me become angry at God and also because I confided in her family and shared private conversations with them about us.
One relationship was broken and the other one was reaching. Both relationships failed because Jesus was not on the throne inside of my heart.
Do you believe in Love? Do you believe that God will restore me? Do you believe that those that I have hurt can ever truly forgive? Do you believe in the power of God to save a man like me from the flames of hell?
I have to believe. I have no choice. I have no props to hold me up. No hand to hold. No person to whisper in their ear my sacred dreams and secret thoughts. I have God and He is holding me. I have to believe that He is my portion and He is my prize that if I don't let go of Him in these hard times that when the good times return that I will hold Him even closer than before. I have to believe that being in the desert as I currently am will make living in the garden all the more enjoyable. The wine will be sweeter and the song playing will have real meaning.
If I am never loved again I will thank God for the love that I had. I am thankful that I tried. Let me spend the rest of my days preparing my heart for eternity with the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.
